Christmas Hallmark Holiday Movies

Fake snow, cute love stories, and the classic two second end of a Hallmark movie smooch means Christmas is finally here.



Santa


 

Being an influencer is a huge deal right now.  You’ve got your YouTube influencers that include people with make-up tutorials that teach you how to do the “perfect face” which really bothers me because who wants to use 23 different cosmetic products and take two hours before you can leave the house? Never mind all that blending of seven different foundations. I want to live my life, not spend it seamlessly merging liquid and powder concealers and inner eye shimmer. And then there’s the fashion and foodie influencers and on and on.  All of this kind of makes me mad, because I was an influencer before it was a thing. 

 

Case in point, I feel like I’m single-handedly responsible for the current Hallmark holiday movie craze because I was a fanatical Hallmark holiday movie watcher before those movies were cool.  18 long years ago I was watching Hallmark holiday movies and enthusiastically proclaiming their greatness in the face of friends and family giving me the side eye.

 

But did I care? No, because “Special Delivery” starring Andy Dick (yes, comedian Andy Dick, in a sweet movie full of hope and redemption – go figure?) or “The Flight of the Reindeer” featuring the cinematic talents of Beau Bridges and Richard Thompson proving that reindeer really can fly should be celebrated by all of humanity with a box of Kleenex and a side of gingerbread.

 

Yes, I know for all you new converts that it’s hard to fathom that there was ever a Hallmark holiday movie made without the acting talents of Lacey Chabert or Candace Cameron Bure. But I can assure you, back in the day the movies were made without the allure of 80s and 90s TV stars. Totally mind-blowing, right? But for true hardcore Hallmark holiday aficionados this is our truth.

 

The whole Hallmark bandwagon started to blossom in 2011 when the network launched their “Countdown to Christmas.” Before you could say, “Jingle Bells,” people were hooked and acting like they had discovered holiday paradise when, in fact, it had been around for a solid decade.

 

Last year, I got a little, umm, let's call it overly emotional when two Hallmark newbies dared to attempt to one up me - the self-proclaimed Hallmark movie master - at a party. The posers, dressed in “This is my Hallmark Christmas movie watching shirt,” had the gall to challenge my wealth of knowledge. Oh, I wasn’t having it, not one bit. One of the women, who I’m sure was a little tipsy on some spiked eggnog punch, (which by the way was dreadful with a combo of rum, coffee, and maple syrup that tasted like an IHOP breakfast in liquid form) spouted off about how the first Hallmark holiday movie was “Matchmaker Santa.” Are. You. Kidding. Me.? Just because it starred Lacey Chabert before her, some would say, overzealous Botox injections doesn’t mean it was the first Hallmark holiday movie. I know for a fact that movie is from 2012.

 

I acted very un-Hallmarky because instead of graciously smiling I got in both of those women’s faces and let them know that they were frauds in their Hallmark shirts, nothing more than wannabes. I told them that I have been “Hallmarking” for almost two decades. I was there when the sets were tacky, and it looked like they were filming all their interiors in an abandon Sears. I was there when the Christmas décor looked like Hobby Lobby rejects purloined from the 75 percent off bin and all the fake snow had a hint of beige like it was a castoff from a second-rate Christmas carnival. I was a loyal fan when all the actors looked like they did their own hair and makeup. How can anyone forget the 2004 “Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus” when poor Crystal Bernard’s hair looked like she was wearing a wig made from the straw in Rudolph’s stall. If ever there was a cry for a deep conditioning treatment and a stylist who knew their way around a round brush this was it.

 

To say I unloaded my Christmas bucket would be an understatement. But it had to be done. Hallmark holiday movies, most shot in the summer and made in about a month, starring a 42-year-old Candace Cameron Bure (aka Her Royal Highness of Hallmark) as a twentysomething spunky up-and-coming executive should be respected. They’re all future classics. 50 years from now; forget about “It’s a Wonderful Life” because weary mothers exhausted from all their holiday toil will be slumping on their sofas watching “Snowmance” from 2017 pondering the fashion choices and perhaps asking themselves, "Why all the flannel?" but never questioning the plot where a snowman, yes a snowman, comes to life and turns out to be, of course, the most perfect man, ever.

 

Pass me the hot cocoa because I’ll drink to that all December long.